February 1, 2012 / Personal
A Confession, A Funny Photo and...Letting Go
I have been thinking about how to tackle this post for some time and last night while tearing up over “Glee” (yes you heard me right, I’m not going to repeat it) I was inspired to share some things.
I get nervous.
My palms get sweaty, I say “cool” a lot and as my husband recently noticed, I have a tendency to slam my hand down onto the table or whatever surface is in front of me, when I am simply trying to point at something on a sheet of paper or clarify something that is being discussed. I had no idea I did this! Now, of course Tim and I do this consciously when we are talking to each other because we think it is really funny. Yep, it doesn’t take much to entertain us!
Don’t worry though, because I’m also a total control freak! So if you’ve hired me for your wedding day, or are considering me as your wedding photographer, once I’m on the job, I’m totally in control, the nerves are gone and I am ready to create beautiful photos! It’s what I do best!
But, when I first meet people, I get really nervous. I want to please everyone.
I blame it on the fact that I was raised a Lutheran, born in Minnesota with a Swedish heritage and went to art school. Nowhere in this sentence is there any suggestion of a strong, confident woman! I’m sure Garrison Keillor can confirm this if you feel like arguing.
I feel like I was a fairly confident child, sheltered, but confident.
Here is my 6th grade photo:
As you can see, I had amazing style even back then! ;) Actually, I remember being very confident about this outfit, my sweater vest, my pink/purple glasses, bad perm, braces, slinky earrings and chin zits. If I had desired one more element of geekness, I’m sure it would have been denied because I already had them all! But I loved it!
Unfortunately, others didn’t think I was the coolest cat in town. Soon after this photo was taken, life moved on and other factors came into play. Some kids treated me the way that some kids still treat others when they want to feel better about themselves.
I will spare you the painful details, I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m just writing this because it is time.
I feel that this was really where photography stepped into my life and helped me express my artistic self without me having to say a word. Discovering my dad’s camera was like finding a hidden treasure.
Long story short, things happened in my life that made me question my validity. These “things” also made me stronger, not right away, but eventually. They made me who I am and I am proud of that. There is still, however, a part of me that wants to protect that little innocent girl inside of me and keep her safe and hold her close to me. Hence, I get nervous.
It’s hard to let things like this go.
The older I get, the easier it is of course for me to move on and appreciate my younger (and older) self. I’m going to be 37 this month. Crumbs! I can’t believe I just admitted to that! It’s okay though because I still look like I’m 12… right? Okay, maybe not 12, that’s kind of weird, but, I look… younger… Anyway, the fact is that these “things” happened over 20 years ago. That’s a long time to hold onto something. That’s a long time to be affected by something. I’m ready to let go… to let her go.
I understand, however, that in letting my old self go, I am only allowing her to blossom into the beautiful human being that she, I, am.
Be sure to give yourself a little love now and then. :)